WARNING! This post contains triggers!
I had just told my husband(future husband at the time) that he better get ready for an adventure because I was pregnant. I wrote this in a cute little card and put the pregnancy test in the medicine cabinet just in case he didn't believe me.
I was working at a big retailer in March of 2015. A job where you are constantly on your feet and hustling. So when I started spotting I didn't think too much of it because after all this had happened with my pregnancy with my son in 2010.
But the difference between 2010 and 2015 was that the spotting turned red. I remember sitting in the break room at work calling my OB and explaining that the bleeding was becoming heavier. I had to go tell my supervisor that I thought I might be having a miscarriage.
I was scheduled for an urgent ultrasound. The tech was a lady I had had before. This wasn't my first pregnancy, or third for that matter. It was my fourth and I knew the minute that image showed up on that screen there was no baby.
The ultrasound lasted maybe 30 minutes or so. When the tech left the room I knew the news was bad. Now of course she couldn't tell me what she thought because they aren't allowed to give advice. I was instructed to immediately go to my OB office.
I remember telling my love that that was odd. I'd never in all my years been sent to my OB immediately following an ultrasound. At this point I assumed miscarriage.
Boy was I in for the shock of a life time. The meeting with my OB wasn't like usual. His assistant asked me if I was feeling ok and wondered if I was in any pain. Umm. No. ?? (I have an unusually high pain tolerance)
As soon as my doctor started explaining this very unfortunate situation, tears began falling. My doctor was so caring. Gave me tissues, drew me a diagram, and explained what would happen next. He called it a cornual ectoptic pregnancy. A what??
Here's a little information from wikapedia. "The term cornual pregnancy is sometimes used as a synonym, but remains ambiguous as it is also applied to indicate the presence of a pregnancy located within the cavity in one of the two upper "horns" of a bicornuate uterus. Interstitial pregnancies have a higher mortality than ectopics in general."
Still confused?? Basically my teeny tiny baby got stuck right at the end of my right Fallopian tube where it opens into the uterus. SO close, yet so very very far from ok. I still can't talk or write about it without crying. I was supposed to be 9 weeks pregnant...
Now back to that terrible day. It was March 25th, 2015 that I was rushed into emergency surgery for fear the "mass" would burst and cause me to bleed out and well... possibly die.
My doctor was hoping he would be able to do the surgery laparoscopically. He explained he would make a tiny incision right above my belly button and that he should be able to get the mass out.
Emotions were already high, but for me this was by far one of the worst days of my life. I remember being woke up from surgery and I couldn't stop crying or asking for my honey.
Turned out laparoscopic wasn't going to work. So not only did I wake up not pregnant anymore, but now I was down a Fallopian tube and a top right wedge of my uterus. I was released from the hospital 3 days later. Recovery was brutal. And when I say recovery I just mean the physical stuff. Mentally I am still struggling.
To think I would ever lose a baby was never even a thought in my mind. After all, I delivered twins. Vaginally. And the second one was breech! I also delivered 2 other healthy babies.
I was put back on birth control, warned of the dangers of every trying again(rupture of the uterus, death of the baby, death of me. All the scary stuff you never want to hear), and sent home with an all new feeling of loss.
I lost my mom to ALS in 2004. I still think that is probably the worst day of my life. This new life experience left me with so many unanswered questions. I had been through a really rough divorce, had been a single mom for a year with 4 little kids, used daycare for the first time and working as many hours as I could etc. just piled on the stress.
Life went on as it does. I married my soulmate on 11/13/15. We combined families. His 2 girls added to my 4 kiddos made for a pretty full house. We chose not to tell the kids what happened because they are all so young. The oldests are currently 10 (my twin girls and his daughter) if that puts things in perspective.
But not all bad came out of this experience. We waited a full year. And then a miracle happened. We were blessed with one of the sweetest mellow babies I have ever had. He was born 10/12/16 via C-section. Our rainbow baby.
My left remaining Fallopian tube was also removed during that surgery. My doctor didn't think my uterus could support another baby. My pregnancy with our little boy was considered extremely high risk. He had to be delivered at 36 weeks for fear of my uterus bursting where the scar was from the year before. We couldn't risk contractions at all.
So I am now at a stage in life that I know nothing about. Ok, maybe not nothing.. But I call it the raising of my children stage. I've either been pregnant or taking care of a baby since 2007.
The reality of never being able to have another baby is a very hard pill to swallow. I take it one day at a time because frankly that's all I can handle. Having 7 children is definitely an adventure!
Baby loss is a very hard subject to talk about. Please know this is just my story. I am no expert on any of this.
I do hope you share your story, if not with me then with another mother who may be going through something similar.
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